Sex & Intimacy Counseling
Challenges with sex and intimacy are one of the biggest reasons people come to couples counseling. Men and women are wired very differently when it comes to sex and love. For most women, sex and love go together. When a woman feels emotionally close to her partner, her sexual desire is more likely to grow. If there is no emotional intimacy or there has been some conflict, many women will not be interested in sex. For most men, sex and love don’t always go together. They can separate the 2 acts, whereas for women, the two usually go together. Note that I said, most, not all.
I read somewhere, although I can’t remember the source, that foreplay for a woman occurs 24 hours before the act of sex. So, if there has been conflict or verbal abuse, there will most likely not be any sexual intimacy. When a man tells me that his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him, I always ask about their emotional closeness. This is typically where the problem lies, and is the area to work on.
Women typically need more foreplay than men. It will take her a little longer to warm up. She usually wants to feel loved and cherished, which means she needs to hear how you love her, or that you think she is beautiful. Perhaps she needs some nonsexual touching. Women are different, so you will need to find out what works for your partner.
It may be worth having a discussion about what each of you like. Perhaps you wish your partner would do something different, or you’d like to try something different. Even though these types of discussions can feel awkward, doing so will bring you closer together emotionally. Mutual sexual satisfaction is the goal. Just because it is good for you doesn’t mean it is good for your partner.